Losing myself in you

I cannot define myself on what my boyfriend does, os says or feels.
This is not now things work in a relationship, this is not how things should work anywhere and it surely is not how it should work with me.
I am my own person, I do not depend on what the person I love does in the outside world. My feelings and personality do not depend or act on how his public figure interacts with others.
I certainly should not erase myself just because I do not exist in his interaction with others.

Why then, knowing all this, I still keep doing it?
Why do I still define myself by all his actions?  Why do I feel cancelled and sad everytime he does something and people praise him for it?  Or when he talks to his readers giving the impression I am not existing?
Why does it hurt me that he never mentions me, even though I know he does not like his character talking about his private life?
How come I feel like a stupid little thing everytime he does something, every time he schieves something?

I cannot define myself on what my boyfriend does.

I am my own individuum.  I can create things of my own.  I am also something special.
I just haven’t seen it myself yet.

Empty

I feel desolate.
I feel devastated.
I can’t find understanding anywhere.
I feel sad.
I fell alone.
I don’t see future or hope anywhere.

I feel empty.

6 months

It has been 6 months since I don’t have a job.
6 months staying at home everyday, sitting in front of my computer and watching series.
6 months of being completely useless.

I hate my life, I really do.
10 years ago, when I was still one fo the most popular girls in boarding school and the future stood wide open for me with endless possibilities, I thought I was going to rule the world.
I really thought I would do something really great with my life.  I would do so many different things and live in different cities and have this great, earn a lot of money, be independent and have many friends and this girl appartment where I would live with the love of my life.
Now I’m 27 and I am this loser who nobody wants to hire, who sits in this shity appartment with shitty furniture in a horrible part of the city.  A loser with no money, even to go and by enough things in the supermarket and take cooking as a hobby.  A loser with no hobby at all, because no hobby can be paid.
A loser so stupid, she isn’t even able to study for the flying lessons she kindly got paid by her mother, because she thought flying was a big dream of hers. Not even to class am I able to go.
A loser with absolutely no friends, no one she knows in the city apart from her boyfriend.  Nobody to talk to, to go out and have a coffee or to go for a walk.

The only thing I had 6 months ago was my relationship, but even that is different now.  I has become this realtionship where we are fighting all the time.  We are constantly angry, I am not able to see love anymore.  I don’t even know if I’m in love anymore.
I know he is, but I just don’t feel the same.  Something has changed.
I don’t know.

Yesterday I spent in bed being just miserable and I realised something: we are all un important and a piece of shit.  All of us! We are just small little humans who think they are so great because they have more brains than animals (as if!), but we are nothing. We are all going to die eventually.  We have all the same chances to have cancer sor some horrible disease.  We all die  if we don’t get water, or foo, or oxygen.
And that made me realise, that no human beine, no matter how rich, how famous or how “important” is no better than any other human being.  We are al the same.  We are all un important pieces of shit in the universe, subjects to destiny’s moods and desire.
So there is no point in admiring another human being or thinking they are gods.  Should I admire Madonna? Obama? Angelina Jolie? They all wat like me, go to the toilett like me, cry like me, age like me and will die like me.

No one, no one, is better than you.

No one.

Up to a fresh start

Even though it doesn’t mean much, as it go back again, I do feel a lot better.

It happened last wee, on thursday, somehow I was smart enough to realise that I am very lucky to have by my side someone who loves me and who I love back.  From what I hear and see, it is so difficult to find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it is just stupid and ungrateful not to be happy for having that.  He makes me happy, he really does, and everything else is secondary.  And because it is secondary I can change it as much and as often as I like.

So, next monday I’ll be starting my intensive french course.
On thursday I have a medical exam to certify that I can physically learn to fly planes. This is a bit difficult, they are also testing drugs and I did smoke some pot 2 weeks ago.  I might get urine from someone, though.
And on wednesday I have a job interview.  Not exactly the job of my dreams and it is in another city, but it looks like if they like me I might do it from home, as it is only some translating and stuff.
This is my week, I know it does not sound very exciting, but for me is already a lot considering what my days looked like only a few days ago.

I am also very excited with this blog I started not so long ago.  I’m trying to keep it anonymous and I am criticizing a lot, but it is fun.  I have 0 readers at the moment, but the facebook profile of my character already has 3 friends! It is stupid, but it makes me very happy and I am very curious to see how this character and the blog develop.  Only thing is I hope nobody recognises me, as I am writing in my own language (which is not english) and I am writing a lot about my town, so there is this possibility someone might find out.

Anyhow, it seems I might change stuff and I am very happy at the moment.  I know it does not mean a lot until everything changes, but it is a start.  I’ll go to the cinema tonight with G to watch this valentine movie, which will probably be very cheesy.

birthdays, ideas and obstacles II

So, yesterday I ended up not doing any of the things I had to do.

I called to postpone my french test to thursday and then I called G and asked him if it was OK if we stayed in and ordered.  We were going to celebrate during the weekend anyway.

The thing is, I felt so much pressure in my chest while I had to think what to cook, and that I had to go to do the test and trying to organise.  I felt so much better once I didn’t have to do anything, so I could just lay there and be by myself.  It already took a lot of energy to jump into the shower and dress to go over to G’s.
It’s weird, I know I shouldn’t complain about my situation and do something about it, but I just don’t feel like doing anything.  I’m too tired, too sleepy, I feel too sick to do anything.  I don’t want to do anything. Not even go out and have fun.

This is great, I didn’t want to have the typical “I fell so sad”-blog and this is exactly what it has become.

birthdays, ideas and obstacles

Today is G’s birthday.
I know, it’s a happy day ( I am happy he was born, that’s for sure), I should be happy, we should all be happy.
Still, the only thing I can think about is what a terrible girlfriend I am, I can’t even afford to buy him a birthday present.
I know it sounds stupid, but it bothers me so much, it makes me cry.  Then again, everything is making me cry lately, so that shouldn’t mean that much.
So last night, when me met, I started crying because I felt so terrible I couldn’t buy him anything and we ended up deciding I would cook something special hor him today.  To me it seems I won’t be able to do that either.

See, in my effort to get my life going, I had the great idea to do two things: 1.  An excruciating one week french course that promises you you’ll be able to think in french after it and 2. getting a private pilot license. (this one is weird, I know).
So, yesterday, in this effort to get my life going, I woke up early (8 a.m.), went home (I always spend the night at G’s), made an appointment with the french lady and called the aviation course.  I also managed to go to the doctor to take a look at this weird allergy I’m having (I’ve never been sick before, now suddenly I’m only sick) and to go to the city centre to get some things.
It went well, until I saw myself walking around between all this people, no make up on, looking like shit.  All this people buying things…I don’t know.  I felt like I could keep on walking forever. And then, just as if I were some magical creature that could see into people, I could see inside of me and I was so empty, so unhappy.  I began to find out why, but I couldn’t really tell.
Why am I unhappy?  I have so many things in my life that should make me happy?
What could I do to be happy? Good question, difficult answer.  I don’t even know what I want. If someone asked me what I want my life to be, I wouldn’t know.
I’m lost, I think that’s it. I am lost, the road is dark and full of other roads and I don’t have neither a flashlight, nor a map.  That’s what’s happening to me.

Anyway, in one hour I have to be at my mum’s (that really makes me depressed, I shouldn’t even see her) and in 3 hours I have to do a french test.  So there is no time to think about what I want to cook and there is even less time to go and buy the ingredients.
I am just too stupid and too lazy to be a good girlfriend.

I don’t even know why I bother to wake up in the morning.

Touching bottom

Last night I had a nervous breakdown.

I don’t know how it happened.
I was in my living room watching criminal minds.  Somewhere between making myself a sandwich in the kitchen and going back to keep watching, I broke down.  I didn’t really realise what was going on.

I think it begin realising that, once again, I was alone, at home, waiting for my boyfriend to be back from work, friends, business dinner or whatever.  And from there, it went on to everything that’s going on in my life, which is nothing.

If there is something I hate, it’s throwing away your life and people who keep complaining but do nothing about it.
Well, I realised I am doing both.

For the last 3 months, every single day, G, my boyfriend, wakes up happy, goes to work, I stay in bed, then go to my appartement, stay in my appartement watching series,  wasting time with facebook, until he calls me to say he’s going back home and then I go, spend some hours with him, go to sleep and there it goes again from the very beginning.  I do nothing. I am wasting my life and my youth.
It’s not like I’m parachuting or learning karate or going out with friends while I wait for a job, no.  I just sit home and do nothing. Nothing.
I couldn’t do a lot anyway, since I’m more than broke, but hey, at least a friend to talk to would be nice. But all my friends have moved, except for Martha, who has the weirdest working hours, so I never see her anyway.
So here I am, jobless, activity-less, friendless, money less….

Here comes the worst part: Instead of doing something about it and stop complaining, I keep doing nothing.
I don’t really know how to explain that, but I just can’t do anything.  No matter how hard I try or I make myself swear tomorrow I’ll do this and this…I end up doing nothing. It’s weird, but it’s like that.  And this makes me even sadder.

The, there is also the fact that I am not really looking for a job.  I don’t want a job.  I know that won’t make me happy either.
There is something I want to do.  In fact, there is something I HAVE to do, but I can’t figure it what it is and how to do it. I just keep sitting here wasting my life… And then I think about life and the world and everything looks so black, I only wish I could die.  The world is just such a shitty place.

And whenever I look at G, I feel completely worthless and stupid and I can’t understand why someone who is so perfect and has everything would want to be with someone who is a complete mess and totally unprepared to deal with her life.  I just don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense at all.
I am happy to have found that very special person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I feel really blessed, but the rest is so chaotic, so sad, such a despair, I am becoming the worst girlfriend in the world. Or maybe I just am the worst girlfriend in the world. And the worst person.

Why can’t I just stop complaining and so something?!