Positivity mode ON

One thing is for sure: Too many people are unsatisfied with their lives.

Too many people are sad and upset, they get angry easily and can’t stand the success of others because they have not achieved their own success.

I say, change that now.
Stop fixating on others and fixate on yourself. Ask yourself what you want and fight for it.
Do not live you life passive, be active about it.
Do not stay at home and do nothing, do stuff! Try new things.

Laugh, love, cry, run, have sex, do all the things you can.

And whatever happens, always find the positive side.
If you don’t, when you die you’ll be full of regrets.
Do not live a grey life.

Where do I want to go? What do I want to do?

A few days ago I found the following written in a notebook.
I think I wrote it a year ago, when I was about to recover from being lost and miserable, in an effort to get better.
It must not have ment anything back then, cause I forgot about it.  But reading it now, I find it quite inspiring and useful not to lose track again from the road.

It is the following:

Where do I want to go?
What do I want to do?

I want to do whatever I fell like doing.
I want to sleep.
I want to do something with a meaning.
I want to do different things.
And I want to do things differently.

I want to dance.
I want to fell music. Live music.
I want what I do to be important.
I want to make people happy.
I want to make people laugh.
I want to help make the world a better place.

I want to be happy.
I want to feel my life is worth every second.
I want to enjoy every second.
I want to explore.
I want to see the world.

I want to make love and have an orgasm every day.
I want to feel love.
I want to be part of something important.
I want to be important for somebody.
I want somebody to be important to me.

I want to have fun with my friends.
I want to help people.
I want to better people’s life. Help those who are miserable.

I want to go shopping and buy whatever I want.
I want to befriend animals.
I want to help those animal that are in pain or danger.
I want to be one with nature.
I want nature to trust me.

I want every single living being to be happy.

When friends and job just don’t mix

I can’t believe the whole day was eclipsed by how much I hated my job today.

It is already dreadful to work under someone who knows so much less than you, but it’s even worse if that person over you that knows less than you is your friend!

Of course, once again, Gloria didn’t show up for work today because “she spend saturday moving the things from the old office to the new one”. If the owners of the company weren’t her brothers she would have been at least fired today for that.
But, oh surprise, I still got to get her call three times to tell me “what to do” and order me around like a stupid monkey, when she should already know by now I do not do her job, I do something else and I do it because she can’t.
No wonder all interns hated her.
She’s a really good person, but as a boss, or even work colleague, she’s unsufferable!

But I should concentrate on the positive things of my job.
For example that it’s only 4 hours a day, which leaves me enough time for other things.
It is very interesting to put on my resumé and I can learn a lot.
Those are important things.

Dream about T

I had the weirdest dream last night.

Once again, like in has been happeing in the past, I don’t know, 13 years, I have dreamt about T.
But this time, it was different.
Maybe there’s an expert out there who can tell me what the dream meant, because I can only jump to conclusions.

In the dream, I watch T go by with a bike.
The first time I see him, I ask myself if I should call him, so that he knows I have seen him and maybe we can talk.  By the time I decide to call out to him, he’s already very far away, so he doesn’t hear me.
The next day I see him again and I call out to him, but he keeps cycling and does not seem to hear or see me and keeps going.  At some point, I have the feeling he has actually seen me, but pretends he hasn’t because he doesn’t want to talk to me.
This happens for several times until one day, I am too on a bike and see him coming towards me.  I begin to cycle faster and call him. First he pretends, once again, he does not see me,but finally he realises it’s too obvious and stops.
I ask him if I can ask him something and he says in a very rude way “what is it?”.  Right there, it begins to be clear to me that I shouldn’t bother.  I should not run after someone who clearly is not interested.  So I say “nothing, it’s okay. Keep going. See you later.” and want to leave, but now it’s him trying to make me stay and ask what I wanted.
Very honestly, like a child who has nothing to lose, I ask him is he has not missed me.  If he sometimes thinks about me.  He says no.  I then ask him, just like someone would ask for the time, if he has ever, at some point, felt something for me, even if something very little.  If I have ever mattered.  Ha also says no.
The weird thing about all this is that, at all times, I am not asking him all that hurt, or sad, or mad, or anything.  I am very calm.  His answers don’t even hurt.  I am asking just out of curiosity.  Just because I would like to know. But I don’t fell anything.  I do not fell shame, or anger or sadness because he has never felt anything for me.  I didn’t even feel sad or weird when I woke up.
And the weirdest part is that I remember looking at him while we’re talking and I catch myself thinking that he is probably the most beautiful man I have ever seen, but he is so broken, he makes ME be broken and that I am so lucky to have found G, because he is everything I actually need.
I don’t need to be broken.

Anyway, maybe this is the last time I dream about T and that would be good.
There are some parts of your life that do you no good at all.

I should go feed the kitten.

Let Nothing Stand in Your Way

Ordinary Sunday

I think it has been a while since I managed to sleep more then 6 and a half hours without even waking up in between.
Although, i have to admit, I did wake up at 7 once, but I realised I didn’t have to, so I fell back asleep. Even Kiki, the 5 days old kitten I found 2 weeks ago didn’t wake me up crying.

Even though I still think I could use some excitement in my life (it still isn’t as it used to be I don’t know how many years ago), I have learned a lot in these past months and I have learned to be grateful for things I always took for granted.

It has been a very ordinary sunday indeed.  You know, the usual. Taking the dog up for a walk in the park with G, having lunch while watching some Mad Men episodes, cleaning the house etc…..

Of course, there always has to be one factor that disrupts everything and, as usual lately, it was work.
Gloria called me when I was cleaning the floor of the hall just to tell me that tomorrow we’ll be at the new offices.
Not exactly the new I was waiting for as the new offices are located 30 minutes by car, instead the 8 minutes bicycle I had before.  Also, the bosses (and her brothers) will be sharing office with us and they can be pretty annoying.
Now I will be back home at 9 pm the latest.  I can’t wait for making that final move and opening my own business where I can be free and work for something that is actually mine.
The good thing about all this is, I will now try harder to go and open my business so that I can get out of there faster.
I really like them, but the inconveniences are too many.  And if there is something I have learned about myself lately, it’s that I am not made to work for others.  I need to build my own path.

Gosh, I can’t wait for the kitten to grow up.  She’s really cute, but giving her milk every 2 hours?! And all my hands are scratched!

Restart

After realising that the reason I watch so many TV series is that my life is boring as hell (back when it was exciting, I didn’t watch that many), I decided to watch all four seasons of 30 Rock in a row.
Yes, I know, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.  The logical step would actually be to a) stop having a boring life and b) quit this TV series addiction.
Well, as you know, I am not that much of a logical person (and too much of a emotional one).

Anyways, I have taken now Liz Lemon into one of my favourite characters and people to admire.
And if you’re thinking one should never admire a fictional character, you’re wrong there!
See, fictional characters haver something real people never have:  they are perfect, even in their own imperfections.  They have this character, this personality and they stick to it. They are whole as persons, like we, real living beings never are.  We are never whole.

So I have  come to love Liz Lemon as a very admirable person.
She loves to eat, she makes fun of herself every day and it doesn’t bring her down, she’s a disaster but is happy with it, she is incredibly funny and optimistic and of course, she has the best boss ever.

It will be difficult to achieve the boss part, of course.  If any of you happens to know a real life Jack Donaghy, please do tell!
But for all the rest, Liz has inspired me to believe that life is always messy, but it is okay if you find your own tidy and stable place inside of yourself.

So there we go again, restarting life.
Becoming what I once was, having something better than what I once had.
Being this optimistic person that is strong enough to keep pushing through the jungle and the madness.

I am going to be my own version of Liz Lemon.

Losing myself in you

I cannot define myself on what my boyfriend does, os says or feels.
This is not now things work in a relationship, this is not how things should work anywhere and it surely is not how it should work with me.
I am my own person, I do not depend on what the person I love does in the outside world. My feelings and personality do not depend or act on how his public figure interacts with others.
I certainly should not erase myself just because I do not exist in his interaction with others.

Why then, knowing all this, I still keep doing it?
Why do I still define myself by all his actions?  Why do I feel cancelled and sad everytime he does something and people praise him for it?  Or when he talks to his readers giving the impression I am not existing?
Why does it hurt me that he never mentions me, even though I know he does not like his character talking about his private life?
How come I feel like a stupid little thing everytime he does something, every time he schieves something?

I cannot define myself on what my boyfriend does.

I am my own individuum.  I can create things of my own.  I am also something special.
I just haven’t seen it myself yet.

Empty

I feel desolate.
I feel devastated.
I can’t find understanding anywhere.
I feel sad.
I fell alone.
I don’t see future or hope anywhere.

I feel empty.

6 months

It has been 6 months since I don’t have a job.
6 months staying at home everyday, sitting in front of my computer and watching series.
6 months of being completely useless.

I hate my life, I really do.
10 years ago, when I was still one fo the most popular girls in boarding school and the future stood wide open for me with endless possibilities, I thought I was going to rule the world.
I really thought I would do something really great with my life.  I would do so many different things and live in different cities and have this great, earn a lot of money, be independent and have many friends and this girl appartment where I would live with the love of my life.
Now I’m 27 and I am this loser who nobody wants to hire, who sits in this shity appartment with shitty furniture in a horrible part of the city.  A loser with no money, even to go and by enough things in the supermarket and take cooking as a hobby.  A loser with no hobby at all, because no hobby can be paid.
A loser so stupid, she isn’t even able to study for the flying lessons she kindly got paid by her mother, because she thought flying was a big dream of hers. Not even to class am I able to go.
A loser with absolutely no friends, no one she knows in the city apart from her boyfriend.  Nobody to talk to, to go out and have a coffee or to go for a walk.

The only thing I had 6 months ago was my relationship, but even that is different now.  I has become this realtionship where we are fighting all the time.  We are constantly angry, I am not able to see love anymore.  I don’t even know if I’m in love anymore.
I know he is, but I just don’t feel the same.  Something has changed.
I don’t know.

Yesterday I spent in bed being just miserable and I realised something: we are all un important and a piece of shit.  All of us! We are just small little humans who think they are so great because they have more brains than animals (as if!), but we are nothing. We are all going to die eventually.  We have all the same chances to have cancer sor some horrible disease.  We all die  if we don’t get water, or foo, or oxygen.
And that made me realise, that no human beine, no matter how rich, how famous or how “important” is no better than any other human being.  We are al the same.  We are all un important pieces of shit in the universe, subjects to destiny’s moods and desire.
So there is no point in admiring another human being or thinking they are gods.  Should I admire Madonna? Obama? Angelina Jolie? They all wat like me, go to the toilett like me, cry like me, age like me and will die like me.

No one, no one, is better than you.

No one.